Saturday, January 25, 2014

The psychology of being fat

Two years ago, I got fed up with being fat. I was SO overweight, so unhealthy, and worn out. I had three children, two were babies, and I did not have the energy to do anything with them. So, after much prompting and prodding by my brother and sister-in-love, I decided to give Advocare a try. It worked. I lost 70 lbs in about 7 months. I felt great and uncomfortable. I can't explain it exactly, but there is comfort in being fat. Obviously not physical comfort, but a psychological comfort. It's your shield. Don't feel pretty? Oh, well, you're fat, what does it matter. Don't have cute clothes? Oh, well, nothing looks good on you anyway. Want another cookie? No worries, what could it hurt? Losing weight is tough, keeping it off is even worse. Not physically. Physically losing it and briefly keeping it off was a breeze. Advocare made it easy. But, if you're a comfort eater and you hit a bump in the road, it's just downhill.

Boy did I hit some bumps. There is not point in rehashing the past, but to say the last two years have been the hardest of my life would be an understatement. I had some pretty scary health issues (that I amazingly didn't talk about on facebook or real life, I can keep a secret!). Some of the medicine I took made me hungry and bloated, which was a former fat girl's ticket to EAT! I couldn't help it, it was the MEDICINE! Yeah right, I could help it. But I didn't.

So, I gained 30 lbs. In the last year. Which stinks, but is totally fixable. I start back on my Advocare vitamins tomorrow and I know that 30 lbs will be gone by May. What won't be gone is my brain. My inner critic, my inner fat girl who feels safer being fat. If I'm thin, then I need to be well dressed, pulled together, and pretty. People take notice of you when you're losing weight, so you feel like you have to be "on" all the time. So, what if I'm not? Will I feel like a failure? Maybe. But I know that I have to take control of my body and my health now, or I will regret it in 10 years. I already wasted part of my 20s and most of my 30s being overweight. There are so many things I could have done differently if I had been healthier. So, I am taking a new approach this time.

I have always felt like God didn't care what I weighed. He loves me anyway. And He does. But he also wants me to be the BEST me I can be. So, as I embark (AGAIN) on a weighloss journey, I will be embarking on a spiritual journey too. With God's help, I can do this. I can be the BEST me.

For comparison purposes, here is a picture of me at my heaviest and my lightest (in the last two years). Underneath that is a picture of me today (well, really tomorrow, as I am scheduling this to post tomorrow when I can put a picture of me in decent clothes instead of pjs). I have a long way to go, but at least I'm 40 lbs closer than I was 2 years ago!

 The picture on the left was my lowest (and biggest). The picture on the right I was a size 12/14.

This is 30 lbs later. Still able to fit in some Misses sizes, but getting very uncomfortable and depressed. 

This post will appear sometime Saturday and I plan to begin the program Monday. So, let the games begin!

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